Monday, November 14, 2011

Grunge He'art Aftermath

Maybe I'm back?

Hello everyone (if anyone's there).

Three years ago, I was 16 and my writing never stopped. I loved to write, and you could tell by my writings I was so young, no doubt. Soon after completing-though I'm not sure it really is complete- my first blog called "The Sad Song You Love," I made this blog, in hopes of writing in a way that showed that I had grown up-not just time-wise but with experience in writing and the world.

I'm now 19. Once I graduated I pursued something so far outside my box-Biology. I hope you're saying, "You're kidding me," but I kid you not for those of you who ask and have confidence in my abilities and I. Well, after a year of studying Biology, and getting good grades I started to burn out-that is to say I lost track of why I was doing it in the first place. I haven't written hardly anything since I graduated that I like-you get tired of writing how miserable you are losing yourself little by little by working full time as a student, for something you have no heart in. Family values is what swayed me. I'm Persian and all families that are Persian ALWAYS want you to be a doctor-or something in the medical field. I wasn't sure about it, but I tried, and for a year I was able to pull off being a college student in pursuit of a magical Biology major. You can guess how that has turned out-I hate it. I moved to a different state where I had no friends-though the people are really nice, and the whole environment screams diversity-which is good cause I wasn't pointed at as maybe being Indian or Mexican or something or another.

Anyways, it was bad-I grew really depressed wasting my life away indoors-right now, as I type, I'm not particularly happy either-witty and sounding a little full of myself sure, but not happy. There are many factors involved that made me lose my...happiness. Especially things that have happened recently. It's so odd...I mean I was so terrible that I began to understand how people can really lose it. I was mind-blown, truly mind blown when I had my psych outs. I even would grow so cold that it was unnatural, and my heart felt the most heavy that it has ever been. My inner critic was really selling it to me-all this garbage to discourage me. It was really crazy, and, unfortunately, the critc still is there. It will never go away, but I know I can tune down that loud mouth.

I'm struggling to pursue a different career-moreover, just to find one. I'm also taking a break once my fall term is over. I'm going to pack my bags and come home, get a part time job, and maybe then go back to pursue something better that I'm interested in, while promising myself to do more social activities that I like, for me. It wasn't enough to make writing and anything art-wise a hobby-it made it seem like my writing wasn't a great, important part of me. You know how the saying goes; "It's just a hobby." Just some interest. I feel that as a hobby no one would take my art, or me, seriously. Worse than that, my inner critic says that either I won't be good enough, or that there will always be someone better than me, and that people look down their noses at me; that going for writing is..a waste, and is embarrassing for my family to tell others. The mom my critic gives me the image of is one that says, "Oh, my daughter is a mediocre, amateur writer." Talk about harsh. Sure I will be one when I start out, but...

Anyways, so I'm dealing with the typical problem most find themselves in my shoes for. Now, I've decided to not let that problem take over me. I'm going to take a much needed break after work; studying with no break, and get a part time job which may help me find where I am in a working environment, what I contribute, and what I can be relied on for. I need to build my self-confidence, and take on some experience, and drop all the stress, but most importantly get a hold of myself and be happy again. You know what they say also, "Home is where the heart is." I'm putting my money on that.

So, enjoy my new blog. I hope-no, I will be writing again soon. I hope you enjoy it. I'll even add what they put in my college's literary magazine last year, and a creepy poem I wrote that wasn't accepted into the magazine, sadly. Thanks for reading!